Without River
"Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve." -Earl Grollman
I am in a chapter for which I am not ready. The land around me feels foreign. I recognize this place, but there is something in it that is missing. It is the presence of our dog, River. Sometimes grief has lessened in me; out of nowhere, a tidal wave hits, and sadness weakens me to a point I need to sit down. It is hard moving on without her. One day she was here and then was gone within a few weeks. There was no time to prepare for her absence or to do the things I had planned for her and me this summer, like camping out in our yard in a tent on the hill; or her laying in the center of my paddleboard on the Mon River taking in the great expanse of water, trees, sky with me. All things we would have enjoyed together.
Today, and many days, I tell time to get lost, I've had it with its constant movement, and I want it to stop showing up when I don't want it here. Sun up, sun down, sun up, sun down. Time moves along whether I want it to or not—chapters in life change. Second, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and years will pass because life is movement, even when I wish for it to freeze at times. And yet time will be what heals me, even though it currently feels like healing is so far out there and next to impossible. Time is what I wanted more of with River.
I used to think I'd get better at this grieving thing, having lost a little sister, older sister, best friend, dad, etc. But it never really gets easier. I once thought, "Next time, I'll be ready and can handle it, so it doesn't hurt so much because I'm more enlightened …." But then it happens, again and again, and each time death is like something I've never experienced. And not all of the dozens of inspiring and philosophical books and videos I've read and watched help when grief comes, at least not for me, nor do self-care strategies, religion, nature, science, or framed and memorized motivational quotes that once boosted my spirit. Grief just is; it's a result of love, unfortunately. If you feel it, you have loved. And how much you love will be the intensity you feel when loss comes knocking.
The sun is golden and warm now, with dark clouds moving in to push out the light. Regardless, the light beams down on my colorful garden flowers. It is another day without River, another visit to her grave, another memory, intense longing, more tears, experienced with long, deep breaths that leave me still and searching. Her spirit is here. I'm again okay for another moment because I "feel" her. It is hard to be left with so much sadness when she brought so much happiness when she was here. Her mere existence was extraordinary, even if I had never known her.
"The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love." -Hillary Stanton Zunin
